Posts Tagged ‘political humor’
Today is September 24th. As we all know (or don’t), election day is on November 6th (did I seriously just educate you about that?). That leaves us 43 days to decide (or not decide) who we’ll be voting for to become our next president. But lets be candid here; Ninety-five percent of us have already decided who we’re going to be voting for, whether it be big boy Obama, or groin aiming Romney. We already know. So who doesn’t know? That’s what our two prize fighting bulls are really after isn’t it? So who are these people, this allusive 5% of Americans who don’t know what the fuck to do?
Let’s put it this way. These guys are brain dead idiots. I mean seriously now, everyone has opinions. You listen to a guy and you immediately decide whether you like him or not. People have to make decisions in their life. Whether to buy Captain Crunch or Cheerios. It’s not like people just decide the decision is too hard and just quit at going shopping for cereal. They decide! The guys are as different as they come. There’s no way you’re in the middle.
Obama and Romney know that these people are idiots. This unfortunately means that these guys are going to be forced to dumb down their campaign to appease this small minority of frankly horrible people who can’t get their heads out of their own asses for a second and make a decision for once in their lives. Despite all their efforts, thanks to the dumb ones the election will probably end up being decided by an extended version of eanie meanie miney mo.
“Ever since the Hookers v. Concerned Wives of America supreme court ruling of 1967, when they determined that prostitutes actually serve to benefit society, the government has offered tax credits to those who hired them. Politicians, consisting of mostly the filthy rich and using this to their advantage, have been saving hundreds of thousands of dollars by hiring high class hookers. As Romney is a member of the Mormon faith, it is strictly forbidden to be public about his philandering. Despite this, Romney is smart with his money. He knows that if he puts down all the prostitutes he’s f—ed, he’s gonna make a killing in tax breaks. Hey, I wouldn’t want people to know about that either.”
So did our prediction come true? Hell yes! That Romney loovvvvvesssss the ladies. We all know it. Sure it may not be explicitly written in his tax returns that he got write offs because he hired 30 prostitutes, be we all know it’s true. Right? Right?
But seriously, none of us thought that Romney would release these things. Why didn’t he just release them as soon as he was asked instead of going through his whole song and dance routine? Oh, what am I saying? How can I ever criticize Romney, the one that gives me oh so much material. Thank you, hunny. Keep on truckin’.
Who could forgot Occupy Wall Street? The movement that invaded Zuccotti Park in Lower Manhattan starting one year ago from September 17th to November 15th. That’s 60 long days. Sure, the movement had lots of grand revolutionary ideas, like taking care of the 99% as opposed to the 1%, or for putting more regulations on the huge banks that caused the 2008 financial crisis. Yeah, they had those ideas. They also stank like poo. I’d like to take this time to remind ourselves of all the thing that made this movement memorable.
Poo, so much poo. Zuccotti park wasn’t really equipped to handle 600 basically homeless people camping out in its innards. If you remember, the park didn’t have a restroom. Occupiers had to line rely on the kindness of local businesses to do their natural duty (pun intended). Unfortunately not everyone was able to wait that long. And the shower situation? Yeah, basically non-existent. Towards the end, you couldn’t tell the difference between the homeless people who also slept in the park, and the actually protestors. Talk about dedication!
Unfortunately for the smelly protestors, they were mostly known for being…well, inconsistent.
Regardless, we do love them. Happy 1 year, Occupy!
Hello folks. Welcome to another day of the news. Unfortunately, today seems like a day where absolutely nothing is happening in the political world of any note. We’re sure Romney is out on the town giving a speech and talking doublespeak, and we’re sure Warlock Obama is doing the same, but we know all this already. But fear not, my fellow political enthusiasts, politicians around the country are working hard this very minute, to do the stupidest things they can for your entertainment. Yes, you can be sure that somewhere, in some house in the middle of Kentucky, an unknown politician has hired a 13 year old prostitute. Or that somewhere in North Dakota, another unknown politician is about to post his or her penis on Twitter for all the world to see.
So fear not humor seeking audience, don’t riot in the streets, politicians in this country are working their hardest to bring you even the raunchiest, most controversial news just for the readers of this blog. Weird, but it’s true. And if they aren’t…well… we’ll just make some shit up like we always do. No big deal. We like doing that, too.
Have a nice, worry free day!
Last night, Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Then gave a speech, if you can call it that. I hate to keep pounding the point about some sort of magic, or devils work happening while these Obama’s are giving speeches, but I really can’t help myself. Unfortunately (fortunately?), I was not able to watch the speech in its entirety, but I was able to look at my Facebook and Twitter feeds during the speech. Let me share with you some of the responses this (dragon mounted warlock of doom) president got.
“I’m stunned by the difference between the GOP convention and the Democratic Convention. Anyone watch both? I’m struck by the diversity in the Dem’s — and also the speeches. I think the GOP is TOAST!”
“Shut up, everyone. A master is speaking.”
“Barack is god. He is my brother’s keeper.”
OMGGMMMM. JDHAJDHAKJDS. Obama.”
To me it’s obvious. We should consider this an attack on the very fabric of this country. Everyone who is not under his control already should gather together and rise up, rise up against the dragon warlock. Yes, dragon warlock. I saw the pictures the next day in the paper of Obama giving his speech. I didn’t see a well kept man standing behind a podium; I saw a sword wielding, fire aura holding, dragon mounted warlock. It was scary. If you saw that too, let’s come together. Stand up! Stand up!